


Numbed heart

by Teakany



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Cheating, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional neglect, Established Relationship, M/M, Self-Hatred, Unhealthy Relationships
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-01
Updated: 2015-05-10
Packaged: 2018-03-26 14:13:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 12,562
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3853603
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Teakany/pseuds/Teakany
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Save it Mattie… god you’re such an asshole” Alfred yanked on his jeans then moved to find his shirt. </p><p>“yet, you always come when I call” Matt dropped the ‘oopsie’ act, his voice bored, not like this is the first time Ivan walked in on him with Al.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Matthew

Matthews nails ran down the americans back, digging in as he arched his back and moaned loudly. Matthews blonde hair was splayed on the bedroom floor around his head like a golden halo. it made him look almost angelic, which is far from what he was anymore. 

they hadn’t even been able to make it all the way to the bed. Alfred had pinned him to the wall beside the door, both down to only boxers. the rest of their clothing was trailed from the living room all the way up the stairs and down the hall. Alfreds skilled mouth on his throat pulled sounds that Matthew knew drove him insane with need. It had only taken a few minutes to find himself on the floor being quickly prepped then well fucked. 

Alfred was so far gone with his building pleasure and the sounds coming out of the little blonde beneath him he didn’t hear the door open downstairs. Matthew did, but it didn’t halt his moans, if anything it made them louder. quiet foot falls on the stairs, and he called out Alfred’s name. the creak of that one floorboard at the top of the steps and he breathlessly begged the blonde above him to cum. The blue eyed man obliged just as the bedroom door opened.

Matthews indigo eyes met mauve ones trying to look guilty, but the spark of smugness was hard to hide. The cold hardness oozed out of the tall Ashen blonde who stood at the door . Alfred swore and climbed off Matthew, who simply laid there biting his lip. Alfred was pulling the discarded boxers back on as Ivan stood with dead eyes watching Matthew. a pile of the discarded clothing was tossed across the floor and the door closed without a word.

Alfred looked down at the now irritated looking man. Matthews hand was pushing his hair back as he sighed. he noticed Als gaze and instantly changed his face to a sheepish smile “I’m sorry.. I didn’t think he was going to be home so soo-”

“Save it Mattie… god you’re such an asshole” Alfred yanked on his jeans then moved to find his shirt. 

“yet, you always come when I call” Matt dropped the ‘oopsie’ act, his voice bored, not like this is the first time Ivan walked in on him with Al. he had pushed himself up to sit, one arm behind him to brace him. the white mess leaking onto the floor beneath him ignored. 

“yeah well, this is the last time.” huffed the blonde. Matt rolled his eyes at the dramatics “find someone else to use for revenge, or punishment or whatever the fuck you’re doing “ with that Alfred left the room. the sound of him descending the steps then closing the front door echoed. Matt shrugged and groaned as he lifted himself up. 

he ignored the clothing and the mess on the hard floors and strolled to the bathroom turning on the shower. he stepped into the hot stream and tilted his face up. damn Alfred, what did he know? what did any of them know? they would never understand why he did this again and again. 

Before Ivan, Matthew would have never considered this. hell, the first few years with Ivan he never would have. Sure, the older man could be a bit cold and distant in public, but Matthew handled it.

When they first started dating Ivan would at least try. he was awkward about it, but he was sweet. in bed he was completely free with compliments, showering Matthew with praise, with love. Ivan would tell him he was beautiful, perfect, that he never loved anyone more. Matthew would be glowing red by the end, feeling completely cherished. then they would wrap up in each other to fall asleep

but it wasn’t just that, it was how he remembered and did the little things like how he knew Matt only wanted to watch musicals when he was sick. he would show up with soup and a whole stack of them. or how he learned some key phrases in french because Matt slipped into it when drunk, or how Ivan would get up early on his days off when it snowed to shovel and warm the car so Matthew didn’t have to before he left. 

the sweet reactions as well. Matthew had gotten in the habit early on of randomly bringing Ivan bouquets of sunflowers. this would cause the large man to break into his large childlike smile, eyes sparkling. When Matthew woke Ivan up with breakfast in bed, he would be pulled down to the bed and covered with appreciative kisses that would sometimes turn into tickle fights. when Ivan had a hard day, Matthew would curl up on his lap and tell him all the things he loved about him, Ivan would be beet red and smiling by the end.

But it tapered off. sex became quieter and quieter, that glow Matthew felt was gone… they would finish, Matthew would get a peck on the lips and Ivan would roll to face away from him to go to sleep. 

Matthew got sick and Ivan had grumbled about having to go to the store to get cough syrup so he wouldn’t be kept up all night. Ivan didn’t come out to drink with their friends anymore. soon Matthew stopped too, Ivan kept complaining Matthew was a nuisance when he drank. the entire third winter together, Matthew did all the shoveling. He was lucky to get a mumbled goodbye from the sleeping figure before he went to work. 

The worst for Matthew was the reactions.. no more smiles or blushes or kisses or tickling. It was a mumbled thanks if he brought flowers. Breakfast in bed was now called unnecessary… and when he had a bad day? Ivan didn’t even want to see Matt, he would head straight for the office instead.

Still, through all of this Matt had tried. he tried so hard to recapture Ivans attention, on rare occasions it would work for a day or two. he would see that Ivan again. but it would fade as quickly as it came and you can only deal with being ignored for so long. 

It was a year after things started to fall apart. Matthew had dipped to an embarrassing low. Ivan hadn;t even touched him in bed for a month. so, Matt made a few purchases. 

He stood in the bathroom, a pair of fishnet stockings attached to leather shorts by garters. his waist cinched in slightly by a matching black leather corset, it came to below his pecs, he wouldn’t say it looked girly, but he had no idea if Ivan would see it that way. 

his face was red as he looked himself up and down. eventually he took a deep breath and slipped down into the master bedroom. Ivan had merely looked at Matthew as he leaned against the door frame giving a playful smile and sighed. “I’m tired.” was all he said before rolling to his side to go to sleep. 

It was the next week Matthew first cheated. He had gone out to the bar to get drunk, beating himself up over everything, when he met Gilbert. The tall Albino was his first distraction. they fooled around for a while, both knowing Matt was in a relationship, but also that it was affectionless. it was four weeks into this trist that Matt had drunkenly mentioned the outfit. Gilberts interest had been peaked. Another week of convincing and Matthew agreed to show him. 

Ivan was out of town overnight on business and they had decided it would be easier to show it off there then transferring it to Gilbert’s apartment. Well, when Matt came out of the bathroom, bright red and bracing himself for laughter and rejection he was shocked at what came. Gilbert had practically been drooling. they only managed to drag the shorts off his ass before Matthew was on his hands and knees on the bed being fucked into tomorrow. 

He honestly hadn’t heard Ivan come in that time. apparently the out of town meeting had been canceled. Later on Matthew would think back on that moment with humour. Ivan had walked in and saw another man in their bed appreciating the outfit he had ignored. 

But that night, Matthew had cried after being caught. the couple had argued, Matt begged, then Ivan cried. Matthew had laid out how neglected he felt and he honestly thought Ivan had really heard him. after an amazing night together, things became closer to what they had been like in the beginning. it lasted for two months, then they faded again. 

eventually Matt decided he was pissed off enough to intentionally get caught. this caused the cycle to start: He got caught, they fought (which meant some emotion, not just apathy or irritation), they made up, fucked, and eventually it faded again. That’s when Matthew started doing it on purpose more regularly. each time the good period was shorter, so the incidents just kept increasing. It had now, two years after being caught with Gilbert the first time, reached the point where it only got an angry fuck half the time. 

Matthew sighed and turned off the water. he grabbed a towel and dried off, wrapping it lazily around his hips as he walked back to the bedroom. Ivan was in the hallway when he came out, no reaction in his mauve eyes as he looked the shorter blonde over. “don’t forget to clean up mess. don’t want to slip on your bad choices.”

Matt shrugged and walked into the room, he removed the towel and threw on the cum puddle on the floor as he walked past. He pulled an over sized shirt out of the drawer and slipped it on, then followed that with a pair of boxers. Matt's eyes were deadened as they slipped past the happy couple pictures on the dresser. he picked one up holding it in both hands, it was a large frame, but mostly glass, He examined the smiling pair. they sat in a field of sunflowers, Matthew was leaned against Ivan, Ivan’s arm was around Mathew, They looked into each others eyes with near sicking affection. why was he even here anymore? he was never going to get that back. 

Matthew let out a growl as pain curled in his chest. his eyes closed and his grip on the frame tightened. it cracked and shattered. slicing open Matthew’s palms. he let out a cry of pain and Ivan ran into the room. 

“Mattvey, what happened? shit, you’re bleeding!” Ivan made hurried careful steps towards Matthew who turned and snapped 

“Why the fuck do you care? “ Ivan froze, eyes wide. Matthew lowered his eyes started for the door, watching for glass at his feet. “You don’t give a shit what I do, don’t act like you care about me, I can take care of myself.” he muttered, his head spinning from all the blood now pooled in his hands. 

He made it to the bathroom and managed to slam the door with his foot, but it opened a moment after. “don’t be stupid Matthew” The russian stumbled through the pronunciation. he moved to the sink and turned on the water, Matthew didn’t struggled as Ivan ran his hands under the clear, cool stream. his eyes filled with tears as Ivan grabbed the first Aid kit and started picking glass shards out with tweezers. 

“Ivan… I can’t do this anymore” came the tiny voice disturbing the silence. 

“what are you talking about, I’m almost done. then we’ll bandage…” came the irritated voice. Matthew knew ivan knew what he was saying. he knew because of the tiniest waver in the large mans words. 

“Ivan, I can’t cling to the fact that you use to love me anymore.” his voice was thick, but quiet.

“нет, It’s the pain talking Mattvey. You know I still love you.” his voice was Matter-of-fact. trying to convince Matthew to stay without having to ask. his hands were busy bandaging now. 

Matthew sighed, he was irritated now and his heart was aching. “I just fucked a man on our bedroom floor knowing you’d catch me.” He looked at Ivan and saw him flinch. “I did it because I was hoping you’d act like I was a little more important than dirt for the week. You didn’t even care e  
nough to get mad.”

“Mattvey…just let me-”

“no” Matthew turned his face away from Ivan and the mirror as Ivan finished the second bandage. “Loving you is killing me Ivan.” Matt's eyes turned back, broken and full of tears. “I don’t even know how I got this way anymore. I fought so hard Ivan, but I can’t be the only one fighting anymore.” he reached a mangled hand up, brushing a few of the unharmed fingers over the large man’s cheek, catching a tear. “ I’m sorry.” his voice and his heart broke and he turned from the room. He paused in the hall refusing to look back, as the small sounds of breath catching in sobs reached his ears. “I’ll be gone by the end of the month. I’ll move into the guest room until then”


	2. Ivan

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ivans side of things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was asked how It fell apart. so I attempted to write Russia. yikes. hope it doesn't suck.

Ivan pulled into the driveway of their two story house. before he even opened the car door his eyes landed on the red convertible. Alfred today then was it? 

He walked up to the house, his face betraying none of the anger he felt. he shut the door a little harder than necessary and put his briefcase down. he frowned as he heard the sounds of Matthew’s current activities carry. Ivan looked across the living room and towards the stairs. clothing everywhere. 

Ivan bent over on his way to the stairs, snatching up bits and pieces as he went, last thing he wanted was that damn american wandering naked in his house for longer than necessary. he climbed the stairs and raised an eyebrow. “louder Matvey? really?” he muttered and he shook his head. 

he knew what was behind the door. he’d seen it enough times, but it never got any easier to see. he swung the door open in time to watch that damn american shuddering at his end. Matthews timing had become impeccable. his eyes slid to the indigo ones he knew would be looking for him. he didn’t even notice the faux guilt they tried to pull off anymore, only that twinkle of cruel pleasure. the knife in his heart twisted, but he refused to show it. he wouldn’t play into this. he settled for tossing the clothing on the floor and closing the door.

he stalked down to his study closing the door softly before he let himself get angry. how many time now? dozens. not even always the same man. there was Alfred and Gilbert. they were the most common, but sometimes it switched. that tall blonde he’d heard Matthew call Lars when he caught them in the shower, the red head he’d stumbled upon him with on the kitchen counter, or that time he had come home to find Matthew with a large german and a small italian at the same time. 

It always hurt the same. that knife twisting, reminding him he wasn’t enough. Ivan told himself it was his own fault. Matthew did this because Ivan was damaged, cold, he couldn’t give the blonde what he needed. Matthew was too good for him, too kind, too patient. his mind chanted over and over ‘this is my fault. he does this because I’m not enough, I’m not enough because I’m not good, I’m not good because I can’t show him how i feel, I can’t show him because he’ll leave if I do...’ above the pain of walking in on this again and again the thought of Matthew leaving was… a hand clenched his chest. 

no. If he wasn’t enough, if Matthew needed more… again and again he would choose this pain over losing him. as if he really could choose any different. his heart wouldn’t give him another option. 

When it started Ivan would get mad over it. letting his hurt out, Matthew would apologise and Ivan would cling desperately to him begging in his silent way for him to stay. fear of Matthew leaving crushing the depression that clutched him. he would work to show every ounce of affection he could, though it felt unnatural. But Matthew needed it, he would beg for it. It broke Ivan further to hear how his sweet Matvey felt ignored. he didn’t mean to ignore him… it was just hard to see why Matthew would want his attention.

But the feeling would claw its way back, worse then ever. his mind screaming that Matvey didn’t need him, no one needed him. he had chased off his sisters, he had scared off almost everyone in his life and Matvey would leave soon too. he would take off one day if Ivan kept yelling... so, eventually Ivan shifted to cold regard when he made the painful discoveries. 

he would close his eyes to it, ignore it the best he could. He would bury the hurt behind a mask of apathy. the anger could fuel him towards sex for a night or two, but soon that would fade and the lack of confidence would take him again. why would Matvey want him? he could get any in a line of men. 

his thoughts drifted back to when it started to break apart. the depression had hit over the years, it would be there, tearing him apart, then it would leave as quickly as it came. it had been on its way out when he met Matthew, so the first while was good. he was cheerful, eager to be as close to the canadian as possible. watching him smile, letting him know how amazing he was... but then Ivan ran into that wall. 

He had no will to do anything. he worked, came home , slept. he would still try. but it was so hard to gather enough willpower to be enthusiastic. things started to taper off. he saw Matthew start to struggle with the shift and it made him feel useless. Ivan would resent him at times. there was no reason to be angry at the small blonde, yet he would be reminded of his inability to make Matthew happy and the irritation would come out.

The blonde still tried and he hated it. He didn’t deserve flowers. why would Matthew make someone breakfast in bed when that person couldn’t even manage to hold a conversation with him? if he continued to let Matthew coddle him when he had a bad day, Ivan would only become a burden. he needed to deal with it himself. 

then he came out in that damned outfit. looking perfect, tempting, amazing…. But Ivan looked on and just felt inadequate. he had been such a disappointment in bed that his innocent little Matvey had turned to this? He knew how shy the man was… this must had killed him to buy. Ivan was too disgusted with himself to be turned on. he opted to wallow in self pity. 

It was ironic really. Ivan had first walked in on Matthew with Gilbert when he was in that outfit. a slap in the face. a reminder that other people could see the attractive man and do what Ivan couldn’t get past himself to do. it had scared the shit out of him. 

He heard the shower turn off and he realized he hadn’t even sat down. he turned and exited the room to lean against the wall. He knew Jones could be rough sometimes… he wanted to make sure Matthew wasn’t hurt this time. the bathroom door opened. Matthew stepped out in nothing but a towel. Ivan wanted to hold him, cry and beg him to stop. but he didn’t, he would only push Matthew away that way, so instead he was cold and hard. “don’t forget to clean up mess. don’t want to slip on your bad choices.” 

Matthews eyes held the ghost of hurt but had breezed past him with an indifferent shrug. Ivan stood in the hall, his teeth clenched on his tongue, eyes stinging. no. he wouldn’t cry. crying was weak. it was pathetic. he couldn’t let Matthew know he was hurting over this… he would leave… he would. there was a shattering sound and Matthew cried out. 

Ivan lunged into the room and took in the scene. Matthew was standing in amongst broken glass “Matvey, What happened?!” his hands covered in slices, pieces of glass stuck in them. Panic set in as he watched blood dripping. “shit your bleeding!” he started to make his way over carefully. 

“why the fuck do you care?” came the cold snap. It frozen the russian in his spot. eyes wide in confusion. what did he mean? of course he cared! Matthew was walking past him speaking softly before he could move again each word piercing “You don’t give a shit what I do,” 

yes i do

” don’t act like you care about me,” 

of course I do! 

“I can take care of myself.” 

Ivan snapped out of his daze and followed closely behind the blonde only to have the bathroom door slam in his face. Ivan huffed letting a little anger out as he reopened the door. Matthew couldn’t handle those cuts on his own… concern drowned out self doubt “don’t be stupid Matthew” he struggled with the name knowing it would stop any arguments. 

he quickly went to work fixing the hands in front of him. running water and the quiet plink of glass shards the only sound for a few minutes. his heart ached as the painful looking cuts, he longed to be able to kiss them, but he didn’t even know how it would be received anymore. 

“Ivan.... I can’t do this anymore” the small voice felt like blade

no. he refused to understand the words, he would ignore their meaning and find another “what are you talking about, I’m almost done. then we’ll bandage…” his voice came out more irritated than he wanted, he had tried to cover the shaking but a waver still broke through. 

“Ivan, I can’t cling to the fact that you use to love me anymore.”

Ivan’s chest clenched. use to? he wanted to grab him and shake him. tell him he was being silly, of COURSE Ivan still loved him! but he was scared… terrified. he did the best he could to stay steady without breaking in two. 

“нет, It’s the pain talking Mattvey. You know I still love you.”

he was wrapping white bandages around the first hand gingerly. they were going to need to get these checked… just focus on the bandaging. 

“I just fucked a man on our bedroom floor knowing you’d catch me.” Ivan’s eyes tightened a bit and he flinched. they both knew Matthew did this on purpose, but it hadn’t been said and it stung. yet Matthew continued, anger and hurt in his words. 

“I did it because I was hoping you’d act like I was a little more important than dirt for the week. You didn’t even care enough to get mad.”

Ivans head spun. didn’t care? how could he not know how important he was? that he was Ivan’s sunshine? of course…. because Ivan never told him. Because why would Matt want to hear it anymore? he had to… no… Matthew wasn’t leaving he had to stop him. he was desperate and it showed in his voice

 

“Mattvey…just let me-”

“no”

he was cut off, The blonde looking away from him as he finished the bandages. “loving you is killing me Ivan” Ivan’s heart broke. it was what he feared. no… no please Matvey.. those indigo eyes turned, they were full of tears and hurt. no… Matvey can’t be hurting… please just stay! I’ll do better! I’ll do whatever you need me to! he sat in silence.

“I don’t even know how I got this way anymore.” tears came and this time Ivan didn’t even fight them “ I fought so hard Ivan, but I can’t be the only one fighting anymore.” the few unruined fingers brushed against his cheek and his heart cried out for them to stay. “I’m sorry” 

Ivan’s heart shattered as he watched the younger man turn from him. sobs broke forth, there was no point in holding them back. he was leaving… he was leaving and Ivan was going to be alone… 

He blonde paused outside the door. Ivan dared to be hopeful. praying with all of him for Matthew to turn around and take it back “I’ll be gone by the end of the month. I’ll move into the guest room until then” any hope died, Ivan slid to the floor and sobbed, watching as Matthew disappeared from his sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like he's OOC! if anyone has tips... I'm wide open to them :/


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you asked and you shall receive? I'm aweful at putting off stories... they burrow into my brain and nag until I write them. that's why I'll randomly post 3 chapters of a story in a day. 
> 
> either way this story was part of my dreams last night (dear lord as if Hetalia hadn't taken enough of my time...) so I wrote it. more to come i suppose o.o

“no listen Al,--- I’m not trying to get a fuck. --- oh for… ya know what? never mind, I’ll call Gil.”

he hung up the phone and stared at it, counting. he barely reached 20 Mississippi before it rang again. called ID: Alfred

“I thought you told me to fuck off? --- well, I’ll talk if you're gonna listen this time. --- If I did apologize would you believe me? --- didn’t think so.”

Matthew laid back on the guest bed and sighed “look Al… I just need a back up plan, that’s all. --- I left Ivan, moving out at the end of the month --- yeah yeah shut up… look I’m gonna look for a place, but if I can’t find one in time can I crash at your place for a bit? --- yeah Al, I’m sure I’ll spend plenty of time in your bed making it up to you. --- okay thanks Al, I’ll talk to you later okay? bye” 

Matthew hung up the phone and sighed. He should have stuck with Gil… except Gilbert was pissed at him currently. maybe sleeping with his brother was a bad decision after all. 

he went to rub his temples and cringed at the movement. the blonde reached towards the side table and took out the advil he knew would be there. this room was frequently used for drunk house guests. he popped two in his mouth cringing as he dry swallowed them. 

Alfred on the other hand, wasn’t going anywhere. sure he said he was done, again and again and again. But no, he had known Al since elementary school. they had grown up like brothers, their dads even dated for a few years, although that ended horribly... probably partly because its a bit of a shock to come home and find your sons who are practically step brothers making out on the couch. Matthew cringed at the memory. maybe he had never been a very good person...

He sighed and looked around the room. his eyes set on the door and a small smile crept onto his face as the memory of christening this room came unbidden. the smile was quickly replaced with a grimace as he remembered other activities in this room… god Al was right, he was an asshole.

but he still clung to his defense, as it was all he really had to stop him from feeling like shit, he worked at trying to fix it. he read books, talked to therapists, tried to beg Ivan into couples therapy… that hadn’t gone well. Ivan went once and told the therapist everything was fine and refused to go again. he cried, yelled, fought and begged for answers. yes, he had gone above and beyond to try and fix it… but it seemed the more he tried, the more the large Russian shut him out. 

he laid back, staring at the ceiling, unruined fingers in his hair, the other hand resting on his uneasy stomach. So why did his heart have to hurt so much?

~~~~

Ivan moved from the bathroom numbly to the bedroom. he paused in the door and looked over the room. everything about it stung. the towel covering a mess, the broken glass and blood, their bed… Ivan’s fist met the wall and he choked back a sob. 

This was his fault, he could have done more, he should have done more. but… that’s what had pushed Katyusha away. holding on to tight, being too protective. she left with her husband, crying and saying she just couldn’t be around him anymore, it was too much. but what had being cold gotten him? He had pushed Natasha away, and now Matthew was leaving… no matter what he did, everyone left. 

Ivan walked carefully around the broken glass, he picked up the scratched picture from amongst the shards and looked at it. his fingers traced the pair, how could they have looked so happy? anger at himself brewed. He turned from from the room, shoving the picture in his pocket. he would sleep on the couch… he wouldn’t be able to sleep in a room that brought up so much. 

he trudged down the stairs and into the living room. it was only 8pm… he sighed and shed his clothing down to his undershirt and boxers, his suit folded neatly on the chair. he laid on the couch and grabbed his phone, he would just mindlessly play games until he passed out.

~~~~~

Matthew’s eyes fluttered open and he groaned sitting up. it was dark, he must have fallen asleep. he yawned and looked at the clock. 11:35pm. fantastic. 

He wanted nothing more than to roll over and go back to sleep, but his mouth was dry and his empty stomach growled angrily. at least going to the kitchen now would mean avoiding an uncomfortable encounter… 

he yawned as he shifted out of the bed, cringing as his feet hit the cold floor. Matthew dragged himself down the hall and stairs, wandering into the kitchen. he grabbed the fridge door and yanked it open without thinking, and cursed. he had forgotten his hand. tears welled in his eyes as he felt cuts open wide, blood soaking through bandages. a whimper left his lips

“Matvey?” came a soft voice from the living room. shit, why was he down here? 

“I’m fine, go to bed Ivan” he tried pathetically. 

The russian was already in the kitchen, his eyes trained on Matthews hands. the light of the fridge illuminated the issue. “you need stitches” he said in the same cautious quiet tone. 

“y-yeah.. I think you're right.. I’m just gonna go take myself down to the hospital I guess” he answered quickly moving towards the door where his keys hung on their hook. he felt a hand grab his arm and froze.

Ivan pulled it back quickly he cleared his throat and said simply “нет, you can’t drive like this. I drive you” he stepped back to the living room dragging clothing on quickly then took the keys off the hook. 

Matthew just stood… he didn’t even know how to argue his point. he could say no and just call Alfred, but that would be a slap in the face… or he could call a cab, but that looked petty... his face was red, this was beyond awkward. there was no way out of it, so he simply followed Ivan out of the house and towards the car, his hand throbbing. 

____

The hospital had been awkward and silent. Ivan had sat alone in the waiting room so he could drive Matthew back home after his hands were sewn back together. It hadn't taken too long thankfully. The pair had left the hospital with barely a word. 

It took everything in Ivan not to reach out and touch the small man. he settled for a question when they were in the car "are they okay?" he muttered as he pulled out onto the dark deserted rode. 

"yeah, I'll be fine. Sorry you had to drive after... yeah" the blonde cut off and Ivan grimaced. 

"Matvey... " he didn't know what to say... please don't leave? I'm sorry? I'll go to that therapist again? would he want to hear any of it? "I.... It's okay..." he let out pathetically

they didn't speak again until they pulled up in front of their house. Ivan had spent the ride gathering courage, reminding himself there was nothing to lose anymore. "Matvey..." he started again, he worked to control his voice "is there any hope?" he swallowed dryly looking out the windshield, pain all over his face. silence followed until he looked at the blonde next to him. his eyes held guilt and sadness

"Ivan... I'm not just doing this for me... you" he choked and cleared his throat continuing thickly " you deserve someone who's going to make you happy. I'm not a good person for you either."

Ivan frowned "what are you talking about? you are good! I don't..." he stopped and looked down "I don't want someone else..." 

the passenger door swung open. "please... don't make this harder then it had to be Ivan... " whispered Matthew as he exited the car walking up to the house.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> updated. the first I put up felt like shit. I was half asleep when i wrote it (boo over estimating my brain before coffee...)

the next week was beyond awkward for Matthew. due to his hands he was limited as to what he could do, he even had to take a work off week. anything he tried just ended up stinging. after a day of max T-3 doses he caved and admitted he couldn’t do it. this meant Ivan did the cleaning and all the cooking he could when he wasn’t at work. Matthews guilt built

The week crawled by, uncomfortable silence filling the house. Ivan cooked, Matthew sat in the living room watching TV. Ivan cleaned, Matthew retreated to his room and felt bad. 

but the worst of the discomfort was probably when Ivan walked in on Matthew in the living room trying to rebandage his own hands. he had couldn’t get the wrap right… Ivan stepped in with few words and did it for him. his hands gentle and efficient. he frowned as he watched the larger man take care of him. yes, because Matthew didn’t already feel like a big enough tool. 

thankfully, by the end of the week Matthew started taking back over the work. it started slowly, first he took over simple cooking, then wiping down counters and even vacuuming. the only thing he couldn’t get past was dishes… Ivan continued to do those

After he wasn’t as needed at home, Ivan started coming in a lot later… not that Matthew could blame him. the house wasn’t exactly a comforting place at the moment. both of their hearts raw and exposed.

Matthew stood over the stove, phone pressed to his ear and shoulder while he stirred the pasta sauce in the pot in front of him on the stove. he was chatting away to his Papa like he did every week.

“ou fuck! “

“Matthieu are you okay? did you hurt your hand again?!”

“ no Papa I’m fine. I’m sorry, just hot tomato sauce splashing.”

He reached to turn down the heat. 

“are you sure you're handling everything okay mon cher?”

“ yeah, I guess I’m okay. It’s awkward though.”

“well Cheri! you could always come stay at home for a while, you know I wouldn’t mind!”

Matthew shuddered “non papa, I’ll be okay. I’m looking at a place tomorrow. if i can’t find one by next week I have a friend I can stay with.” he wasn’t about to say which friend, that would only open a can of worms. Francis hummed in reply

“He’s been coming home really late most days past week or so anyway. so we barely see each other.”

“hmmm… maybe he’s met someone…” Said francis off handily. Francis was partly aware of the situation. about a year after it started, it was discovered that Francis and Gilbert worked together. that was awkward all around. finding out your work buddy is screwing you not single son… finding out your dad works with your fuck buddy… oh goody… not a proud moment for father or son. 

“y-you think so?” Matthew said, suddenly his voice small. why did that scare him.. that shouldn’t… 

“.. would that bother you cher? I thought you ended things.”

“yeah… I mean I did. so I guess it doesn’t really. but I gotta go Papa, have to finish up dinner okay? je t’aime”

they said their goodbyes and Matthew hung up the phone. he stood and stared at the boiling pot of pasta. did it bug him? it did he decided after a few moments, but why? thoughts of Ivan with another man hit him like a truck. he felt sick. imagining Ivans hands on someone else, his lips moving across their throat, sweet words Ivan use to speak to him muttered with another name... tears sprung to his eyes and a hand rested on his chest feeling the fast beat. damnit! he wasn’t suppose to feel this way anymore… 

but jealousy took him. he turned off dinner, shifting the pots to cold burners, not caring it it got wrecked. then he moved to the couch. he sat there getting more and more upset as images swirled through his head. sadness and guilt turning into anger. It hadn’t even been a month! how could he move on so fast?! he had been begging Matthew in the car to try again. did this mean he had someone before they broke it off? he completely ignored the voice in his head whispering ‘no. that was you’

Was this new guy getting his old Ivan? who was he? why wasn’t Matthew good enough anymore? d-did… did Ivan love this other man?

_____

Ivan sighed as he pushed the doors of the medical office open and met the cool breeze. he had a headache again, stupid pills.... he grumbled in irritation at the sounds of traffic, as he headed towards his car. he hopped in and put the car in drive, while he drove towards home he let his mind wander over the week...

the day after the hospital trip, and more importantly the conversation in the car, Ivan had made an appointment to see his doctor during his lunch break. It didn’t take very long to get the prescription for the antidepressants that rattled in his briefcase, he didn’t want to stash them at home, he wasn’t ready for Matthew to know. Ivan hated taking the pills, It felt weak... but he was desperately grasping for ways not to lose Matthew. 

Along with the pills he hated, Ivan did something even more drastic. He started going to therapist three times a week. it was initially meant to be once a week, but the mountain of issues he had let pile over years seemed overwhelming. the therapist had seen his distress and offered more frequent appointments until his medication kicked in full in six weeks. 

on days where he wasn’t in therapy, Ivan wasn’t sure if he should go home after work or not. the cold silence was awful. Matthew always avoided him, and if they were in the same room, it was like walking through a fog of tension. 

his key clicked in the lock and he swung open the front door breathing in the scent of dinner gladly. he kicked off his shoes and taking a deep breath removed his almost always present scarf. the scars of his childhood showing, he folded it gently and placed it on the tabled by the door. he almost always wore the damn thing, thing white material covering his most vulnerable area. 

The therapist suggested he try and keep it off at home. Matthew had seen the scars already, they had never driven him away before, so it wasn’t going to change. It might even make Matt feel more safe if he knows Ivan was showing his vulnerability. 

he walked into the living room and noticed Matthew was on the couch,It wasn’t completely unusual, but a little off... “hello” he greeted trying to sound happy on his way to the kitchen. he only received a grunt. Ivans eyebrows came together. now that wasn’t like him at all.... he peaked over the counter into the living room and towards the blonde, noticing his arms were crossed and he was sitting stiffly. “are you okay Matvey?”

“m’fine” was the quick, bitten response. 

“Matvey…” Ivan left the kitchen and thoughts of food to walk out to the living room. he was focused on Matthews weird behaviour.

normally, on the rare occasions Matthew was in a bad mood, Ivan would avoid him. he didn’t want to start an argument, or have Matthew be mad at him. He had been scared of pushing the smaller man away or being pushed away himself. but between the pills, therapy and the fact that Ivan no longer had anything to lose…

“Tell me what’s wrong da?” he sat in a chair across from Matthews seat on the couch. his arms resting on his knees and his face concerned but kind. 

he wasn’t expecting the anger and tears in the violet eyes. the blonde, who had been stewing for an hour, snapped “you’re asking me what’s wrong now? all those fucking years!” Matthew was standing, fists clenched. Ivan looked up at him in absolute shock… he was yelling? “ you didn’t ask when I was a sobbing mess, but now. now you’ll ask. that’s fucking great Ivan! really! you’re new boyfriend must be so happy you managed to figure out how to show concern!” 

“Matvey I don’t underst-” Ivan tried, but got cut off. 

“maybe that’s it eh?! you had someone else! this whole fucking time I felt like a complete asshole for fucking around to get noticed, and the reason you didn’t give a shit was because you already had another guy! what was the fucking point of keeping me around then? was I just here for the cooking and cleaning? or was it just easier not to get rid of me? why bother until your new ‘little sunflower’ was ready to move in right?! “ Matthew spat the old term of endearment. Ivan hadn’t used it in ages...

Ivan stood, now he looked angry, how could he think any of this?! how he think Ivan could even think of hurting Matthew like that! he felt rage surge through him though nowhere near the ridiculous levels Matthew had taken too. 

“I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about Matthew!” he stumbled on the word, but he didn’t care how messed up it sounded, the point of it was there. “there hasn’t been anyone but you ever, and there won’t be! how could there be when I still love you?! I could never do that to you!”

Matthew deflated slightly, his eyes widening as if he’d just been slapped. his face red from embarrassment instead of anger as the words sunk in. eye’s filled with guilt. Ivan cursed in his head. he probably could have kept that last part out even if it was true, it was a low blow. “Matthew… I’m sorry I didn’t mean-”

“no! It’s fine. god this is stupid…” Delicate fingers raked through the blonde curls “look, I don’t care, fuck who you like.” his eyes hit the ground “ not like I didn’t” with that, Matthew turned from the conversation and stalked off up the stairs. Ivan cursed as he heard a door slam. that didn’t go as well as he’d hoped...


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> now boys and girls... I haven't really mentioned this yet, but except for Alfred and Ivan Matthew always uses a condom. He's a smart little shit. Alfred only gets a free pass because Matthew and Alfie have always use condoms with anyone else, and both get tested regularly . Ivan well.. no brainer... dude rarly has teh sex. 
> 
> now kids! if your gonna sleep around like Mattie (no judging on the amount, power to you, though cheating is bad!!!) be safe! get tested often, and always use protection. Ladies, birth control as well! condoms are not 100% I'm proof of that!
> 
> okay lecture over, lets return to the angst and smut.

Matthew sank to his bed and let his head fall to his hands, what was he doing? He ended this. he called it all off and now he was getting jealous?! he was so frustrated, hot angry and embarrassed tears ran down his face, he grabbed a pillow from behind him and whipped it at the wall. this was wrong, this was all wrong!

his fingers laced into his hair gripping painfully. he pulled his knees up pressing his forehead into them. he shook with a mixture of anger and sobs. too overwhelmed to worry about the noise he was making. 

a knock sounded against his door. a muffled “Matvey? please let me in” Ivan sounded worried. great now he was worried! Matthew cursed himself in every language he could think of. 

“no! please j-just leave me!” he sobbed out loudly. he didn’t want to be see in this much of a wreck. he didn’t think he could hold it together if Ivan were there… after all the shit he’d pulled. guilt and regret set in hard. Matthew had always known what he was doing was wrong, but he had let himself get away with it for so long, he hadn’t really thought of the effect it had. “just go away..” he whimpered.

despite his pleas, the door opened. “Matvey…” Ivan said quietly and sadly. he walked to the bed and Matthew curled in closer on himself. he didn’t wanna hear anything… not rejection, or admission of someone else. at the same time, not denial of that Ivan still loved him. he couldn’t handle either right now. 

“please no… Ivan… just… I’m no good, just leave me alone okay? “

Ivan was kneeling on the floor in front of him. eyes concerned and slightly fearful. Matthew’s face lifted slightly, his eyes filled with tears, chin quivering. he couldn’t meet the mauve eyes, instead his eyes fell to the russians neck. he noticed Ivans scarf was off, the scars covering his neck in full view… it made his heart ache. what had he done to him? of course he hadn’t caused the scars, but Ivan had only started wearing the scarf in the house again during that hellish third year… what had caused it…

Ivan broke his train of thought “нет” came a stubborn voice. “Matvey is good, and I will stay until you explain.” 

Matthew hid his face and tried to calm his breathing. this was embarrassing. he wanted to be alone, he didn’t want to break any further… embarrass himself any further. he was trying to gather the will to get up and walk away when one little word broke him.

“please?”

He squeezed his eyes shut and shakily he whispered “I’m scared” 

a hand touched his knee, thumb running over it gently. “why”

Matt couldn’t speak past the lump in his throat. ugly choking noises leaving him. the calming shushing noises Ivan was making weren’t helping. why was he being this way? why was he like this after Matthew left? what went wrong to make him so cold before? he took a deep shuddering breath

“because I still want you to love me”

Matthew felt the hand freeze on his knee and he tensed, waiting for the rejection. his already shredded heart ached. he just wanted to curl up and die… 

“I never stopped Matthew”

\-----

Ivan wasn’t prepared at all for the body that hit him. when Matthew launched himself off the edge of the bed and wrapped his arms around Ivan’s neck holding on tightly. Ivan fell back onto his ass but snaked his arms around Matthew’s waist holding the smaller man tight to himself. he could hear Matthew sobbing on his shoulder over and over repeating “I’m so sorry, I’m sorry” .

Ivan could have cried himself out of happiness at the contact. instead he turned his head to the side, nuzzling his face against the golden curls, inhaling the soft smell of his shampoo. he gently raised a hand to the golden hair, running his finger through it and shushing softly. 

Matthew pulled his head back, face stained and blotchy, eyes puffy and red, but he was still so beautiful. Ivan could see the words ‘I’m sorry’ about to form on his lips, but before they could, Ivan’s Lips met his. Matthew froze for half a second in surprise before melting into the kiss. 

Ivan felt the long delicate fingers move from his shoulder and up into his hair as the kiss deepened. fire stirring in him he hadn’t felt in a while. Ivan stood, lifting Matthew with him and they took the few steps back to the bed together. their kisses became desperate, hands trailing to tug at clothing, Matthews fingers works at popping open the buttons of Ivan’s shirt, while Ivan’s hands were busying themselves with Matthews belt. 

The kiss broke and Ivan removed Matthews glasses placing them on the dresser behind him quickly. as he did, Matthew yanked his shirt up over his head, the last piece of clothing either of them had, and moved to kneel on the bed. when Ivan turned around he was pulled into another desperate kiss. Ivan’s hands dropped to Matthew’s chest, pushing him gently back onto the bed. 

 

\---------  
Matthew’s nailed dug into Ivan’s large shoulder as he felt teeth drag along his jaw and down his throat. his breathing hitched and he whimpered. A hand was running up his thigh while the other steadied the man above him. his skin felt like it was on fire with every touch, emotions and close to a month without sex heightening everything. 

“ you are perfect little sunflower” was muttered against Matthews ear. he turned bright red and gasped. the hand brushed over his lower stomach teasingly. Ivan left another kiss below his ear and pulled back, Mauve eyes looking into indigo ones, “ so beautiful Matvey.” their lips connected again and Matthews face burned. 

Matthew moaned into the kiss loudly as he felt himself being prepped, he pulled out of the kiss and panted, moaning and whimpering with every movement. sweet words falling on his ears between sweet kisses. “I love you Ivan” Matthew whispered before a particularly hard motion had him moaning as he bucked against the hand. 

“I love you too Matthew” he gave a smile and placed another kiss on the blushing man’s lips before he lowered himself down on him. both lost in the long forgotten sounds of each others pleasure and adoration. 

 

\--------  
They had fallen asleep curled up in the guest bed. Ivan had Matthew pulled against his chest, arms wrapped lovingly around the smaller man. he slept like that, as if he was worried Matthew would disappear if he let go. when he woke in the morning he looked down at the still sleeping figure and smiled. his heart filled with joy as he laid his head back down and closed his eyes, enjoying the feeling of closeness. Ivan was in heaven

\-----

Matthew woke up in warm arms. being held close. before he opened his eyes a lazy smiled fell across his face, warms stretching across the chest to snuggle in closer. then it hit him… shit… He had slept with Ivan. had that been a good idea? did he want to get back into this cycle? had he just unwittingly added another step to it?! was this just going to lead to more pain? he tensed and pulled away sitting up quickly, his eyes wide and alarmed as he looked at Ivan, unsure of what to say. Matthew was in hell.


	6. running

Matthews face burned bright red. “Matvey… are you okay?” Ivan asked, concern colouring his face. 

“no” he got out of the bed. reaching for his glasses and shoving them on his face then quickly grabbing his clothing “no.. no I’m sorry.. oh god what have I done.. I can’t handle this… I can’t do this again.” he muttered as he yanked on the clothing. he gave another terrified look at Ivan, the large mauve eyes almost drawing him back in. he shook his head to clear it “I…. I need to leave. I need to think” he blurted and ran from the room. 

as he descended the steps he yanked his shirt over his head knocking his glasses askew. he hurriedly fixed them as he raced to the front door. he grabbed his coat and keys on his way. his phone still sitting on the kitchen counter as he shut the door behind him. 

Matthew walked to his truck, yanking open the door, climbing up into the drivers seat. he backed out of the driveway and took off down the road. he wasn’t even sure where he was going, he just knew he needed to get away from the house. what the fuck was he doing?! he had gotten out. he was a week away! a week and he broke. 

unwittingly he ended up at alfred’s house. even before they had started to mess around again this is where he would go. The american was his best friend, and god right now he needed one. he slammed the door of his truck and took off up to the front door of the house.

he knocked unendingly until Alfred’s irritated face appeared. “what the fuck Mattie? it’s like 7am! on saturday!” but he stepped aside letting Matthew inside

“like you weren’t fuckin up watching cartoons already?” he grumbled. 

“fair point…. but what the hell are you doing here?”

Matthew let out an exasperated sigh and walked to the living room collapsing on the couch. his head went to his hands. “I’m a fucking moron!” he shouted. Al had followed him into the living room and was currently standing in confusion 

“again, fair point… but if you could give me a bit more information…” 

“I slept with him again. Papa mentioned that he might have someone else, I had the fucking nerve to get damn jealous, we fought, I got upset and he fucking tried to comfort me!” Matthew was on his feet, almost ramming into Alfred who had walked to sit next to him. he was pacing now “I mean what the fuck right?! when was the last time Ivan did anything to show any sort of caring to me? like a fuckin year now right?!” 

Matthew was chewing on his nails. Alfred simply sat, blinking and watching the small blonde pace back and forth across his living room. 

“then… well then he throws it in my face! I mean i guess i fuckin deserve it… but what the fuck did he expect?! ignore me and I’ll just roll over and go on being invisible!? but fine whatever… then he tries to apologise! like no, you can’t fucking take that back now!” Matthew laughed bitterly. “so I’m almost crying now because I’m a huge fucking baby, and I know I have to get the hell outta that room. so I run off to the guest bed I’ve been staying in. The one you fuckin passed out in the doorway to like 3 christmases ago remember?” he paused looking at Alfred for an answer as if it was important 

“oh yeah i thin-”

“but then, does he just leave me to freak out like usual?! no. he’s at the damn door and then he. comes. in. what!? then he’s in front of me again asking me what’s the matter. insisting I tell him. so I’m a huge fuckin wreck by this point and I tell him it’s because I want him to love me. I mean obviously I’m mentally fucked right? I must be some sort of emotional Masochist…” 

Matthew stops for a moment and alfred freezes unsure of weather he should nod or not “what happened after that?” he prompted. 

Apparently it was all Matthew needed as he continued his rant. “ well then he’s all ‘I never stopped Matthew’ actually using my damn full name like some weapon for my god damn stupid heart. and it worked. I launched myself at him and he acted like he was the happiest fucking person in the world. Like… think you when I brought you three big macs and a chocolate shake at work for your birthday” 

Alfreds eyebrows shot up. 

“Then it just starts going with this huge emotional neediness, he’s laying me down, crawling ontop of me and… “ Matthew trails off. finally settling and sitting on a chair. his face painful. “he talked to me like he use to… it was like he was there again.. and… on one hand what if it’s just another fucking cycle… so I’m right back here in two months… but what if it’s real this time ya know? I just don’t fucking know anymore” His head dropped back down into his hands and the canadian was finally silent. 

“well… uhmmm… I’m gonna grab some coffee, because I’m sure as fucking hell not awake enough to sift through this amount of shit yet… want some?” he stood and Matthew nodded. Alfred paused and put his hand on Matt's shoulder “don’t worry dude… we’ll figure something out okay?” 

Again Matthew nodded this time muttering “thanks Al..” 

_____

Ivan sat in the bed in shock. what the hell just happened?! one second they were curled up together, both smiling and it felt so right…. and now… Ivan heard the front door slam. his heart plummeting. had he… had he scared him off? 

Everything Ivan had been working to fight back rushed to the front of his mind eagerly. he had done it again… he clung to close and Matthew had taken off… first he pushed him away like Nat… and now like Kat… he really just couldn’t get this right could he?! 

Ivan rose from the bed, he walked hurriedly, moving towards downstairs… Maybe Matthew was just outside? or he had imagined the door. 

but the living room was empty, so was the kitchen. he saw Matthews truck was gone when he had opened the front door. he sat at the kitchen counter and tried to organize his thoughts. his eyes glanced down when he caught something red in the corner of his eye. Matthew had left his cellphone, so calling him was out. 

well.. at least that meant he’d be back, but… would he just be back to get his things and leave again? Ivan could only take so much. he stood and went to the cupboard above the fridge. he grabbed a bottle of vodka and was about to walk to the couch when the red cellphone buzzed. curiosity got the best of him. he picked it up, the text message displayed on the lock screen under the name Gilbert:

“hey Birdie, wanna meet up tonight? not pisse-” It cut off, the message too long to display in the preview. 

Ivan’s face fell… well, If Matthew came back to say goodbye again…he’d probably end up over there. there was no way Ivan could face that sober. hell.. If he could remember his own name by the time Matthew got home it was not from lack of trying. he took off the lid and brought the bottle to his lips drinking it straight.


	7. mending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Last chapters lovelies! enjoy!
> 
> Also adding, I'm generally a rather cold person relationship wise these days.. I'm a bit rusty as the whole, working through your problems. thing in relationships. so I had to dig deep for this XD I hope you enjoy it anyway!

it was four in the afternoon before Matthew returned to the house. Alfred had kicked him out an hour ago telling him he wasn’t just gonna sit in his house and mope the whole fucking day. especially if Al wasn’t even gonna get laid. 

Maybe Matthew needed some better friends. 

His hand rested on the door handle, hesitating before he twisted it and pushed the door open. the sharp smell of liquor hit his nose. great. he sheepishly set his keys down and removed his shoes. 

Matthew had spent the morning mauling over everything in his brain and came to the conclusion (or rather after four straight hours of Matthew interrupting his cartoons with whining about it, Alfred had told him) he wasn’t going to get anywhere with it unless he had Ivan's input on the matter. he needed to know what the taller man felt, why he was suddenly acting differently. basically they needed to grow the fuck up and talk instead of doing everything they had been. 

Matthew kept his eyes to the floor as he went into the living room. he hadn’t exactly left in the best way this morning, tearing out with a half ass explanation. apparently it wasn’t needed.. Ivan was there on the couch, three quarters of a bottle of vodka in front of him on the couch. he was fast asleep. Matthew sighed heavily. that couch was not forgiving on your back… 

Matthew walked in front of him grabbing the bottle, he looked for the lid but found none. frowning he took the uncovered bottle towards the kitchen counter setting it down. Then he returned to Ivan kneeling in front of him “hey… hey Ivan? “ Ivan moaned, his eyes half opening as Matthew shook him gently “you gotta get up, come on I’ll help you to bed okay?” he got a grunt in response. 

Matthew sighed again and raised to his feet, grabbing the inebriated Russians arm pulling him up to sit then sliding in beside him while looping the arm over his shoulder. he put an arm around Ivan's waist and prepared himself. Ivan grumbled back at least attempting to stay up. “okay, I’m gonna help you to stand on three, alright? one. two. three!” on three Matthew pushed against his legs and dragged Ivan unsteadily to his feet. the weight on him and stumbled momentarily “oh god! and you thought I was a handful drunk!” Ivan chuckled half there. Matthew rolled his eyes with a half smile. 

Matthew was more of then ‘please let me take my clothes off, and yours, and his because i thought he was you for a second, and no I don’t care if we’re on the street, I want you to kiss me and take me right here and now and i'm gonna refuse to speak English for any of this’ type of drunk. so, different kind of handful. 

Ivan helped a bit more once he was on his feet and the two managed to stumble up the stairs and into the bedroom. Matthew deposited him into the bed and reached around to grab the blankets to cover him up when a set of arms grabbed him and pulled him down. Matthew yelped as he fell against the hard chest. he was about to protest when he heard the whimper. 

in his position he had to twist awkwardly to kind of see Ivan’s face “Ivan? are you okay” Matthew did his best to shift around so he was slightly more comfortable physically. though this was a very uncomfortable situation with the current state of things. 

“please don’t leave me Matvey… “ he slurred gripping tighter “I get better, please… I won’t cling just stay”

Matthew puzzled at the words, getting better? he was curious, but he had to be cautious, if drunk Ivan got mad he became ‘lets break the room’ Ivan

“I’m right here for now okay? What do you mean get better?” he asked carefully 

Ivan nuzzled against his hair, apparently the fact that Matthew wasn’t trying to get away was enough to calm him “I want be better for Matvy… doctors helping me get better so i’m good nuff, so Matvey won’t need them.” his accent was thicker with all the damn vodka… but Matthew caught enough to piece it together. his brow furrowed… this was probably not a conversation to have drunk… “stay here?” came the sleepy question. Matthew thought for a moment then sighed. “okay ivan”

it took and hour before the russian was asleep enough that Matthew could untangle himself. his jeans were digging into his waist uncomfortably, and he was boiling. he needed to at least get changed… he climbed as carefully as he could from the bed and stood. ugh… he was stiff now… 

as he was stretching his eyes landed on Ivans work bag, it had been tipped over during the drunken stumble and now papers were strew across the floor. Matthew knelt down with a grumble and started gathering them when his hand accidentally bumped into a bottle sending it rattling and rolling away. he reached for it and curiosity caught him. he picked up the bottle and read it 

“Venlafaxine  
75 mg orally twice daily” 

his eyebrows furrowed what the heck were they? he cast a glance back at Ivans sleeping form and bit his lip. was it okay he was drinking when he was taking.. whatever these were? he took the bottle and walked out of the room down the hall to the home office.

opening the laptop Matthew entered the drug name into the search engine. an antidepressant… is this what he meant? getting better? Matthews heart tugged, since when was Ivan depressed? shaking his head of that to the more pressing matter, drug interactions. another quick search showed him it wasn’t suggested to drink… but he basically had gotten really drunk off a lot less than usual. he walked back into the room with the bottle and sat on the empty side of the bed, tucking his legs up. he looked from the pills to the man beside him and frowned. how long had he been keeping this secret?

\-----

Ivan woke the next morning with his head pounding. what the hell had happened? oh… Vodka… he sat up and put a hand to his forehead willing it to stop pounding. the click of the door opening causing him to flinch “you’re awake. good… I was starting to worry” Matthew was whispering. Ivan was thankful for this. he was also thankful for the Tylenol that was placed in his hand along with a bottled sports drink he took the pill and slammed back a decent amount of the blue liquid. “thank you”

The man in front of him smiled a small smile before his eyes dropped and he bit his lip. “Ivan… I… when you get some rest… I think we need to talk about a few things..." he shifted uncomfortable and sighed "also” he reached into the pocket of his sleep pants pulling out a familiar bottle “I don’t know when you're suppose to take these..” he blushed and placed it on the bedside table. Ivan’s eyes opened in alarm, heat spreading across his face “I…. I didn’t mean to… It fell out of your bag… and you had been drinking. I just wanted to make sure you’d be okay.” Matthew raked a hand through his hair and turned “I’ll be down stairs okay?”

with that there was another click and the door shut. 

Ivan looked over at the bottle and sighed. the clock behind it glared red stating it was 9:47, he grabbed the bottle and tipped on out swallowing it along with what was left of the drink. there really wasn’t a point to putting this off… 

Ivan swung his legs off the bed and stood with a grunt. he dragged himself out of the room and down the stairs. Matthew was walking towards the table with a second cup of coffee, placing it at the spot across from his. he sat and offered a cautious smile. great… now he was going to get dumped gently because he was some weakling who needed stupid pills. so much for any of this helping. 

He sat and grabbed the mug in front of him he looked around for the sugar and was about to get up when Matthew spoke “two sugars, no cream. It’s already in there.” he resettled and took a sip. perfect. Matthew hadn’t made coffee for him in years, how did he even remember?

“Ivan… I… I’m sorry. I was a jerk yesterday. I got scared and instead of sticking around and dealing with it I ran off and hid from it.” Ivan studied Matthew, the golden blonde hair pulled back into a tie, indigo eyes studying his own coffee as he cradled it in his hands. his legs were crossed on the kitchen chair, he was going to take this in before he said goodbye. one last shot of him at the kitchen table. they use to sit like this every weekend morning. 

“The pills i found Ivan... “ Ivans eyes flashed back up and noted the concerned frown “how long have you been on them?” 

Ivan shifted uncomfortably in his set and took a sip of his coffee, he didn’t look up and spoke into his cup “ three weeks.” he refused to look back, instead he looked at the table, fingers running over a burn mark in the wood.

“and how long before that were you depressed?” the tone sounded painful. 

he swallowed loudly. he really didn’t want to be having this conversation… this was so uncomfortable. the doctor was a stranger, he would see her, talk and leave. not have to look at her for any amount of time… but, then again, was matt really going to stick around either? 

Ivan shrugged “three years give or take” 

he heard a shaky breath being pulled in and a sigh “why didn’t you tell me?” the words were angry. he was confused. he expected pitying, maybe apologetic…. he looked up. Matthew was glaring. “why would you keep that from me?” 

“I… I didn’t think you’d…” he trailed off unsure of how to finish. 

“you didn’t think I’d what? care? all that pushing and pleading to fix things didn’t prove I cared?” he bit. Ivan looked back down and Matthew groaned “I’m sorry I’m being a jerk again. fuck… I… I just wish you would have told me. I would have… I never would have…” 

he sounded getting angry again, but was quietly reining it in, Ivan looked up and jumped slightly, tears were in Matthews eyes… but why? “Matvey… are you okay?” 

“no! “ he snapped as he put his cup down and hid behind his hands “no, I’m not fucking okay! I’m not okay because you kept this from me! you were just there suffering with it while I’m off being pathetic assuming you’ve lost interest. I didn’t even see it properly and i damn well should have!” 

Ivan was just staring. “I’m sorry…” 

“no! no don’t do that. don’t apologise! actually yeah maybe do! I had us right there.. right fucking there in front of a therapist! you could have just! ugh! “ Ivan watched the blonde head hit the table in alarm. “I’m a horrible person…I’m sorry” 

Ivan wasn’t sure how to feel about this… one the one hand Matthew wasn’t pitying him. that was good… on the other hand he was lecturing him, which was a little irritating. well he was lecturing them both at the same time really… 

“you’re not horrible person.” he muttered unsure of what to say. 

Matthew looked up at him glumly. they sat there like that for a few minutes.

“I started seeing therapist.” he offered into the silence, unsure of what else to say, but hoping it would help his case. 

Matthew gave a small sad smile “that’s great Ivan...” Ivan was about to ask If matthew was going to leave him when he was cut off gaurd. teary eyed and shakily Matthew asked “Do you think you can you ever forgive what i’ve done? “ his breathing hitched.

Ivan stared then considered the question, his eyes on the table again. through all of this… he hadn’t even focused on everything that had happened. they both had things that needed to be repaired. issues that needed to be fixed… they had both been hurt by this. there were a lot of issues that would need to be looked through. 

“I want us to try to forgive each other…” he looked up hoping his slight shaking wasn’t noticeable. “will you stay?” 

Matthew looked up at him, a smile on his face “of course I’ll stay”

\----------

 

two years later. 

Matthew rested his head on Ivan's shoulder and yawned. “that appointment felt so long… do we have to go to meet them for dinner?” despite the fact that Ivan was currently driving Matthew snuggled against his arm.

Ivan rolled his eyes and shook his head with a smile on his lips, “you’re the one who arranged it Matvey. “ he reminded. 

Matthew groaned “you're right… “ then he smirked “and that makes me feel very sad” he mimicked the way they had to speak during the once a month couples therapy sessions. 

Ivan pulled up at the restaurant and parked he leaned over and placed a kiss on Matthew's forehead “I’m very sorry you feel that way.” he mimicked back then dropped his head closer to Matthews ear “Maybe when we get home I can cheer you up” he whispered suggestively. it pulled a blush from Matthews cheeks. Ivan smirked and opened his door getting out and waiting for the still flushed Matthew to join him. 

The couple walked into the restaurant holding hands Ivan laughing while Matthew pouted muttering about him being a jerky tease. that’s when they heard Alfred over the crowd “yo! love birds! over here!”

both sets of purple eyes found the loud american quickly as he stood waving an arm at them. they hurried over to the booth and smiled as they slid into the same side. across from them sat Alfred and Gilbert, The Albino smiled and placed a kiss on the Americans cheek as he wrapped a pale around around Alfred's shoulder. 

Ivan raised an eyebrow and Matthew snickered “you’re callin us love birds?” Alfred turned bright red and scowled, but Gilbert smirked and chuckled. “and now you're blushing! how adorable!” 

“yeah he is!” exclaimed Gilbert joining in the good natured teasing. 

“you all suck” Muttered alfred sinking down in his seat, arms crossed. 

Ivan who was looking at the menu without expression quipped in without a second “well obviously” 

That cause everyone but Ivan to turn red and quiet down. his eyes scanned the table and his smirk arose.

The group ordered their dinner and chattered happily. discussing the news, Alfred and gilbert had decided to move in together. shortly after Ivan and Matthew had started working on their own issues, Alfred had gotten mopey. Matthew wasn’t seeing him at all anymore because it wasn’t healthy at that point so Alfred was lonely… and horny. similarly, Gilbert had bitched over the phone about it being unawesome that he had to find someone new, so in frustration he had given both of them each others numbers in a group text adding ‘ Alfred, Gibert. Gilbert, Alfred. here! go fuck each other!’ angrily. 

he hadn’t thought they’d really do it. he was simply pissy about dealing with the two man children while he was trying to juggle therapy, work, and quality time. but here they were. 

the night flew by and soon the two couple went separate ways. Matthew was asleep by the time they pulled into the driveway. Ivan smiled over at him, so sweet looking like that. he got out of the car and walked around, he reached in and undid his belt, scooping the smaller man up into his arms. he carried him inside and up the stairs, down the hall and into their room. Ivan placed him on the bed and removed his shoes and dress pants, as he turned to place them by the dresser his eyes landed on the pictures. 

there were more of them now, showing smiles, laughter and that sickeningly sweet love look. one picture right in the middle was a bit crumbled, and it had a scratch, but it was Ivan’s favourite. it symbolized the turning point between breaking and repairing. 

He turned back to the bed, removing his own clothing down to his boxers and climbed in bed next to Matthew. he scooped the still sleeping man into his arms, holding him close and smiling when he felt the arms wrap back around him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I thought it was a cute way to wrap it up. they're still workin on shit, which is totally realistic, but aww, gil and Al <3 (never really shipped PurAme... but it fit in the story.)


End file.
